Are you a real Swindoner?

Ah yes, the Magic Roundabout. And where wouldn’t we be without it? Stuck in an even bigger traffic jam, that’s where. Yet it manages to perplex, confound and infuriate all visitors to the town. And that’s where this little quiz comes in. Take a pen, do our little multi-choice questionnaire and find out whether you are indeed a true native of Swindon, or a mere grockle.

Question 1

You arrive at Swindon railway station and smell the usual ‘agricultural’ aroma. What do you do?

a) Breathe in deep and think ‘I’m home’.

b) Turn your nose up and run back to the platform, hoping the train hasn’t left yet.

c) Open a jam jar, wave it about a bit, screw the lid back on and continue on your way.

Question 2

When arriving at the Magic Roundabout for the first time, what do you do?

a) Follow the car ahead.

b) Panic, and turn the wrong way round the first mini-roundabout, and then realise that’s what you’re supposed to do.

c) Climb up the lamppost in the middle. When you reach the top, wave your underwear around and wonder why the police helicopter is swooping in very low, giving you the evil eye.

Question 3

What is the Brunel Centre?

a) Somewhere to hang on a Saturday afternoon, annoy the Swindon newspaper guy, and laugh at teachers coming out of M&S with their new underwear.

b) Something to do with the railway?

c) Early Learning Centre...Boots...Dillons...do not comprehend...

Question 4

Do you like pigs?

a) Yes, they remind me of my mother.

b) No, although they’re quite cute in a rural sort of way, the fact remains they are both smelly and messy.

c) Interesting porcine creatures, quadrupeds, strong maternal and foraging instincts. Could never eat them, though.

Question 5 Where do you go to buy new clothes?

a) The Outlet Centre, of course. At least, if I could park. But it has got some nice gear, even if some of the sewing isn’t quite up to scratch. But I dig my Lacroix tie. And my new baseball cap.

b) Bond Street, Selfridges, Harrods if I’m in Knightsbridge.

c) What clothes I wear I ‘inherit’ from the Earth Mother.

Question 6

Do you fancy Melinda Messenger?

a) Well, you know, I did at first, sort of thing, but I’ve gone back home to Pammy now.

b) Lord no, of course not, but now you mention it, she is quite good on that Channel 5 thing of hers.

c) Messages...runes...yeah...runes...cool...

Question 7

House of Fraser or Debenhams?

a) Debenhams has a more extensive range of cheap shiny sportswear.

b) House of Fraser is designed for the more upwardly mobile customer, ibid me.

c) Either, so long as I can obtain a good supply of beads and a big tortoise shell to hide under.

Question 8

Which football team do you support?

a) Manchester United, obviously.

b) Swindon Town. I’m all for supporting the little teams. They need our help to keep the beautiful game for, you know, the common man.

c) Football is a fascistic activity organised by a hegemonistic state to suppress and control the masses. But it’s great if you’re really monged and watching it on telly.

Question 9

After-life, or après-vie?

a) Heaven is a place called Long’s. Lots of lush babes.

b) The Après-Vie club is a little place somewhere in Soho where I can relax with my friends and drink a quick San Miguel with a lime in the top, without getting disturbed by the hoi-polloi, or people with bum cleavage.

c) Ur...Ar...Earth Mother...Technology...Automobiles...Trees...Avebury...Callanish...burble burble

Mostly ‘a’s. You are a true Swindoner. You have a rural heart, but yet you are an urban creature, able to coexist happily in both environments. Even if you do like strong smells and pigs.

Mostly ‘b’s. London tosser. We don’t want or need you townies here. I bet you think we’re all like the Wurzels. You’re not far off, but you don’t understand us country folk.

Mostly ‘c’s. Congratulations, you are Julian Cope.